Current
by Crystallia Silver
Summary: I understood that love is never premeditated, it uprises in a minute, a moment that I should have kept firmly into my hand. Sun Shang Xiang's POV, story set after Liu Bei's death. Slightly AU. Sun Shang Xiang/Liu Bei.


Current

Will you come? We could take a walk along the riverside. The answer is no of course and it's not because you don't want to. So I guess this gives me a small excuse to imagine the past as more real than this living moment, even for an instant, as much as a single action of breathing in and out lasts.

I thought I had at least one more chance to have you back as I wished, to correct the mistakes and mend my omissions... Delay, that's it. If I didn't wait, nurturing the doubts of my pointless sense of inexperience and decided to focus on my true intention using it as a driving force, you wouldn't be lost, not me either.

I don't understand. Did I need to fill the voids of my family's unity so terribly that I actually sacrificed our bond? Was I too certain that I had infinite time to fix everything? You were and still are the only one, the beginning and the end, yet we parted from each other within one day. I understood that love is never premeditated, it uprises in a minute, a moment that I should have kept firmly into my hand... You managed to do that to a great degree during the days of difficulty, urging and advising me, knowing exactly how far to go so I wouldn't feel as if you were trying to imprison me into yourself. You were always careful with my need of expression and independence, observing my world, respecting me, loving me.

Instead of being here, watching the movements of moonlight and shadows resembling the ghosts of my close relatives, a life with them that seems so far away now, I would have liked to have your company, Liu Bei. Instead of keeping secrets and sinking into silence because no one listens anymore, I would prefer to be talking and joking with you as we used to. Above all else, it was my intention to make you happy because I, more than anyone else and despite what others said about our differences and weaknesses, was for you.

It's tragically funny how I never really cared about the trouble, the gossips or the fabricated conspiracy behind our marriage and yet we didn't make it. Chances have passed me and if someone asked why am I searching the past while knowing there won't be a continuation after your last breath that has been erased, I would respond that even I need a place, a home, somewhere to hold on to. The unknown future that awaits now is totally incongruous with what I perceived as my destiny.

I have been wondering where I could find the solution to this, a counterbalance to the weight of loss. Lately I discovered a place where we can love each other freely, against the limits of our existence; the dreams occurring in sleep. Perhaps it is solely a reflection of what my heart needs, but nonetheless it depicts the truth.

Another place I found that reminds me so much of you is by this riverside, the clear current that embraces the golden shine of the sun and moon. I revel in the sight of its clarity and deepness. Your feelings, Liu Bei, were also unmistakable and deep, sometimes peaceful, sometimes intense, much like the water. I miss them. As I miss you.

I am now gazing the stream and I am thinking that there two paths left for me; To continue walking along the current, as if with you, hand in hand, or surrender myself to it and become one. If you were here, my love, you would impel me to do the first and I, regardless of my dilemma and my eventual decision, I would be striving, till the last moment, to believe that you were truthfully right.

XxX

Note: I considered it proper to mark the story as AU because I was inspired by the impression I received from the wide source of Dynasty Warriors scenes with this couple and the novel as well.

The referred conspiracy is not necessarily (or actually) "fabricated", but this is the pov of Sun Shang Xiang who disregards the political advantage of the marriage and concentrates on her feelings for Liu Bei.


End file.
